I thought now would be a good time to update my blog because I’ve certainly been doing a lot of “looking forward.” Actually, a lot of “looking back,” too.
Graduating from college is a strange feeling. My whole life I’ve had some idea of what to expect the next month, semester or year. I remember how tumultuous my senior year of high school seemed as I filled out applications and agonized over where I should go to college. But at least I knew I’d be going to college, and that I’d adjust to that new stage of life sooner or later. But turning over my Lee University tassel ushered in a phase of infinitely greater uncertainty. My future is wide open and I have no idea what the next few months and year hold for me.
As I’m processing the fact that I won’t be returning to Lee, I’ve spent time reading through my journals that I wrote in college. I’ve really enjoyed remembering in detail the many ups and downs I experienced, and my gratitude grew for the countless ways God provided for me and helped me grow—as a Christian, as a daughter, as a roommate, as a friend, and as a leader.
Though it’s beneficial to look back on my college years and reflect on God’s goodness, it’s easy to get stuck longing for the friendships and familiarity of college. I’ve always been good at looking forward and making plans, but lately I’ve been consumed by all of the uncertainties the future holds. I’m discovering how hard it is to live in the present. To be honest, I really don’t know what to do with myself. Living at home is entirely different from visiting home on breaks. I’ve enjoyed having time to relax and see friends and family, but I can’t stay in vacation mode if I’m going to live here for a few months. Moving anywhere is difficult, and it takes time to find a job, to get involved in a church, to build relationships, and to find ways to serve. I had to do that three and a half years ago when I moved to Cleveland, but Lee University made all of that pretty easy for me. This time, not only do I not have an automatic, ready-made community, but the question of “What’s next?” is always on the horizon, influencing my ability to put down roots here. Even if I stay in the Triangle area after this semester, this is a transitional period—I’m living at home and substitute teaching. Next fall I could be in a different city, state, or even country—so it’s hard to fully invest in people and activities when I may have to do it all over again soon. I feel paralyzed by my lack of clarity.
Though I don’t know how long I’ll be here or what to do with myself while I’m here, what I long for is to gain from this time whatever God has in store. I don’t want to waste this period because I’m consumed by questions or worries. Maybe this loneliness and uncertainty will prompt a period of intense growth like the year after we moved from Romania. If so, I welcome it with open arms. Maybe it will be a time to learn to walk by faith and not by sight, trusting in God’s planning instead of my own. I don’t know.
One thing I do know is God’s sovereignty is the only thing I can stake my life on.
“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to an all-knowing God”
(Martin Luther)
